Keeping Mum

I recently caught up with an old friend of mine who, at 35 weeks' pregnant, was about to become a first time mum.  It was great to see her and to hear her voice overflowing with excitement as she spoke of the upcoming arrival.  We spoke about her future plans; how she intended to take three months off with her newborn and then return to full-time work.  How she was palling an overseas trip to attend a friends' wedding a few months after the baby was born.  How "I won't change who I am for a baby; the baby can fit around our schedule, not the other way around."
I smiled into my glass of wine as I listened, and held my tongue when I was so tempted to do otherwise.  The truth is that I'm only a few years down the track from her.  I, too, remember this excitement, and the pre-baby plans.  Oh, the plans.  What a life with a baby would be like.

As the evening wore on, I began to feel torn.  I desperately wanted to give her advice, to let her know, through my own experiences, how little you can know about a baby before it arrives.  I wanted to explain how overwhelming the love is, how life turns around and your ideas and thoughts are changed forever bay a tiny little being.  I wanted to tell her that there will be bad days - when you can't believe how tired you are, how crappy you feel,  how much crying a little one can do - but that there will also be great ones. 

When I was pregnant, women seemed to appear out of nowhere with a knowing look in their eye and words of wisdom that I did not ask for or want.  I didn't understand it.  Why is everyone trying to get so involved?  And scare me about their birth stories?  And warn me about how much babies cry?

The truth is, all those words of advice I received while pregnant floated above my head.  I listened to everyone's advice and then stored it away in a different compartment, one I chose not to revisit.

The other day I watched, anxiously, as my daughter raced up a hill so fast that I was sure she'd fall.  "Slow down!" I called out after her.  "Leave her, sweetie, she's happy," my husband said. "But what if she falls?" "So she falls." "But what if she hurts herself?" "Then she hurts herself.  Look we can't stop her falling, but we can be there for her if it happens."

I remembered these words as I sat with my glowing friend.  I wanted to tell her all the things I wish I had known before becoming a mum, but I could see how irrelevant they would be to her.  I could see how she would view me as being another one of those women pushing their 'words of wisdom' onto her, when all she wanted was to revel in the joy of pregnancy.  That regardless of what I said to her, she would start her own journey, and no well-meaning advice could stop her from having bad days - nor prepare her for the beauty, exhilaration and exhaustion of life as a mum. 

I couldn't stop her from falling, but I could be there for her when it happened.  And only then - and only if she asked for it - would I offer her advice.
Evelyn Lewin - www.webchild.com.au - June 2011

Sydney and back again!

Last weekend a few of us headed to the big smoke (note the Opera house and Harbour Bridge in the background!) to see the much anticipated "birthy film" The Face of Birth.  If you follow the link there is a three minute teaser. 

There are some really powerful messages throughout the movie so I would recommend trying to get to see it when it comes to a town near you. 

Reaching Out

Recently I was talking to a dear friend about her experience during the postnatal period.  She revealed she had really struggled after her little girl was born and whilst she knew that she could call upon myself or my midwifery colleagues to provide her with care she didn't and couldn't.  I was at a loss as to why when she knew the expertise, referral base, facilities and tools that we could provide her that she didn't reach out. 

It is only now (12 months later) that she feels comfortable admitting what a struggle she had.    Her explanation was that she felt she was a failure if she did ask for help.  Sound like a common theme? 

What is it with women?  Why are we our own worst enemies? 

I was so intrigued by my friends insight I decided to put a post on our Facebook page about women asking for help.  Here are just a few of the responses.  Something else that shouldn't be a surprise, was the amount of responses we did receive. 

"With my second son I would ask for help and people would say "oh everyone feels like that"... I don't think they realised how bad my PND was. I would ask atleast weekly... I gave up after a while cos noone would help."

"When i was in hospital and i couldn't feed my baby, i asked every nurse and midwife who attended me for help. I rang buzzers and sat there letting people squeeze my nipples and force my baby around by the head. Nobody helped me or offered me a pump. I didn't know i could ask. I asked for formula twice and that's the only food my baby got for the first three days of life." 

"I had amazing midwives but I was ashamed to tell them I was struggling so bad! So I didnt.. :( i wish I had because then maybe i would have got help and would remember the first 6mths of my bubbas life.  I think I was just too scared to fail. I was a woman and meant to be a mother but it wasn't what it should have been."

"During my stay in hospital I couldn't settle my first son at all. I was up all night one night and early in the morning I ended up calling the midwife in. I was in tears and told her that he wouldn't settle and that I'd been trying all night. I remember her saying to me in a not very nice tone "well what did you do that for, why didn't you call someone?". I remember feeling completely inadequate as a mother and totally unsupported. My thought process behind not asking for help was that if I can't even get it right in hospital then how on earth am I going to cope at home on my own. I felt I had to do it on my own because that is what everyone does. Luckily I had my mum to support me and don't know where I would have ended up without my mum. This time around of course was much better with the support of the beautiful my midwives group! I didn't have to ask for help because it was always just there."

Clearly women and their families know when women have babies there can be problems with how different people handle the changes to their lives, bodies, emotions and general well being.  Being a new Mum is a huge job and one that we don't receive any training for - yet we consistently see women putting on a brave face instead of reaching out.  Not everyone ends up with postnatal depression but we continue to see a rise in episodes of depression during pregnancy and after birth.

As an initiative Beyond Blue has established "Just Speak Up"  The campaign aims to promote awareness of depression and anxiety in the antenatal and postnatal periods, reduce stigma and provide information about where to get help. 

Perhaps you would consider sharing your story to help others "speak up" about their experiences.   My Midwives is one place in some areas to go for help both antenatally and postnatally. 

What is available in your community?

Moments and Memories

I have been very fortunate to have had the majority of the last two weeks with my family.  I must say it has been difficult to shut down the computer, field the emails and phone calls and generally "switch off", I think I have been running on remote control for the last couple of months.

My holiday has been a time of resting and also reflection about the year. We went to the coast for a week and as I was watching my gorgeous boys in their various activities - swimming, fishing, sand castle making and breaking, it struck me how quickly my babies have turned into little boys.  I know it is cliche because everyone says "how quickly the grow" but it REALLY does. 

I remember vividly the first moments I met our boys, the immediate rush of love for our first and the complete shock of the seconds speedy arrival (the love took a few minutes to arrive with him but no less powerful)!  I really can't believe it is nearly six years ago. 

So some friendly advice to all the mamma's who have just had their babe's or the mamma's tapping their fingers waiting for a niggle.  Take it slowly, relish in the moments, treasure the time, even the tough stuff because before you know it the first day of school approaches and they are starting to paddle into the big wide world.   

All my holiday thinking has brought me to two of my 2012 resolutions - 1. children first and 2. slow down because I want to by part of as many moments and memories as I can. 

Hopefully by writing my resolve here it will keep me honest!    M x
 

My three.

The Bachelor of Midwifery

My Midwives is a clinical site for Griffith University's Midwifery Program.  We have had several information evenings to talk about the course and we always get asked the question "can I fit this course into my life?".  What better way to answer this than hear from a B Mid student who is a mother of two and works part time.  Her committment and drive to become a midwife has allowed her to achieve work, study and everything that goes with having a family. 

I guess if something is that important to you, you just go ahead and do it.  If you are interested in studying to be a midwife applications for the course are still open until until the 20th of December for the 12th of January round offer through QTAC.  If you have futher questions you can contact info@mymidwives.com.au.   The post is by Jodie who is also an active member of the Friends of the Birth Centre in Toowoomba, yes she is quite a woman!

A Student's Perspective

My passion for midwifery developed after experiencing the births of my two children and being inspired by the midwives who supported me. I fell in love with pregnancy and birth, and here began my insatiable thirst for information and knowledge about the process and intricacies of the miracle of birth. Midwifery seemed a little of reach for me as I had no interest in nursing the ‘unwell’ but rather in supporting women at an extremely empowering time of their life.

Enter  B.Mid!

I have just completed my first year of full time study. It has been one of the most demanding years of my life but by far one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling. I have had the opportunity to deepen my understanding of the beginning of new life and birth and have also had the privilege of supporting some amazing women who have kindly agreed to allow me some practical insight into their birthing journey. I have learnt from and worked alongside talented and passionate midwives who are inspirational in their love for their vocation.

The ‘mixed mode’ delivery allows you to work in your own time – around a job, your family and other commitments. The shifts at the hospital can fit around your schedule, allowing you to achieve what you need to do at the most appropriate time for you. However, you are not left alone. The support from the clinical lecturers has been invaluable; providing clinical support and encouragement as well as opportunities for debriefing and development.

The theory this year has included topics such as the history and foundation of midwifery, basic health and nursing skills, communication skills, research development, supporting women from conception to the postpartum period, the human body systems and the development of the baby. 

The course is impressive with the amount of practical opportunities that are presented. I have been involved in the care of over 70 women (and their babies), supported women in over 20 births and have caught six beautiful babies! This year has deepened my passion for midwifery and the provision of woman-centered care to all expectant mothers. I am anticipating the New Year and can’t wait to get my hands on the second year studies! It is busy, it is demanding (physically, mentally, and emotionally!!!) but one of the most rewarding courses you could ever do. Anything worth doing always is!

Just for laughs!

Well you know how Bec and I have been going to the gym, well the results have been incredible for Bec.  I am a bit put off  that I am not looking this good yet but I can only live in hope!

Caesarean Birth - a woman's story.

I am a 35 year old Mum, for me, being a mother for the third time around didn’t come as I had expected. I had my two boys early in my 20s, and had postpartum depression very badly after my second baby. I remember the last time feeding him was in the mental health ward. 

I think though deep down in my heart I had always wanted a family of three children, I was white with terror, but also totally amazed and in awe at the two blue lines that were positive when I saw them on the stick. It had been 11 years since I had my last baby, and I really had thought that I had been robbed of the dream of having my third child. The strange mixture of feelings ... Were pretty overwhelming. My husband was extremely supportive, and we both wanted this baby, although we had to make the mental adjustments.

I was on some medication that was unhealthy for a growing baby, so my doctor took me off them, and I experienced withdrawal from them. I had to see a specialist, and I soon got back on track and my health improved pretty quickly. I had an early ante-natal appointment at the hospital because of the medication I had been on, and at the hospital clinic, I saw a brochure about midwifery.

Something about their philosophy really struck me as pretty inspiring, that they were there to share a journey with me, so I talked it over with some relatives who were midwives (now retired) and they fully supported my idea. I brought it up to my husband, and he was supportive. The hospital was great with the boys, but the thought of having somebody there for a continuity of care really mattered to me ... Little did I know how much it would help. I met , my gorgeous midwife, when I was about 16 weeks preggie. She was a darling. I pretty much fell in love with some of the other staff too, and I came to really look forward to just hanging about the clinic, which was more like a family home than a medical environment. I felt safe, accepted, appreciated, respected and loved.

I had a “high risk” pregnancy category due to some pre-existing medical factors, but I was still able to have all of my stuff done with my midwife. She was not only my midwife, she was an advocate, a tower of strength, she dried my tears, she gave me hugs, she patted my belly and called my baby darling. Having her on the journey was so special. I love my midwife, if only she knew how much she has made a difference to the start of my precious daughter’s life.

My daughter was born a month early by caesarean section. There were a few administrative things that I overheard being talked about because it was a very new thing to have a private midwife in a caesarean, and to me it was a really wonderful thing that even though some of the finer details were getting worked out, my midwife was able to come in as my support. My hubby had to sit out while I was getting the spinal anaesthesia, and as I hunched over, she lifted her surgical mask, smiled at me and mouthed that she was still here. Her eyes were sparkling. I felt reassured, and totally relaxed. Everyone there during my daughter’s delivery was totally wonderful.

She was actually born by an emergency caesarean because the placenta had started to come away, cause my waters had broken early, so having her there for afterwards was just wonderful too. The skin to skin contact with my daughter and being able to give her a first feed was really important to me, and I wanted my hubby to be there with me – my hubby and I were there together with our beautiful little daughter – with my midwife aiding me in feeding her and doing those first couple of hours of bonding. It is beautiful, a memory I cherish, though a little hazy, I know it was totally beautiful. My midwife also came to our house and helped us out with getting our little princess into a sleeping routine (bless her) and the home visits are something we very much looked forward to and appreciated.

So don’t think "oh, I am a high risk patient, oh, I have to have a caesarean, oh, I can’t have a midwife" Yes, you can, and miracles come in cans .....

Sitting here four months later with a beautiful happy daughter who is bonding beautifully all began with the journey with my beautiful midwife. I love my midwife x x
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